WHAAAT WAS THAT.

I forgot about this website but I realized I can rant about The Umbrella Academy season 5. When I see a bad story, I will usually say something like "Well it's not like I could do any better :p I have never written a finished piece." But this season... GOD this season... I could write leagues better than that. How do you go from season one, with a cast of complex characters and several plotlines weaved seamlessly together to throwing away all the character development you've created over the past few years? Klaus relapsed and got sex trafficked? And that plotline literally went nowhere anyway! There was no reason for that to happen!And I know that everyone has talked about Five and Lila but how could you not? Not even the actors wanted that! And there's just so many inconsistencies!!!!!!! I have never been so flabberghasted.

9-17-24

Isolation.

TLDR: A lot of things, mainly the pandemic, led me to have no social skills and I'm isolated and my brain is rotting. I wanna make friends with ppl

I've never been good at making friends, or having deep connections with anyone. There's a lot of factors to this, honestly. I grew up moving to a new place every couple years for my dad's work. All the other kids had childhood friends they met in preschool while I never really had that. There's also the autism. It felt that everyone around me was speaking an entirely different language, that they were all part of this inside joke I never understood. Moved from Florida to California when I was eight, and that town was the one I lived in the longest, five years. I was bullied and ostracized starting at age 11, I think. Didn't really bother trying to talk to new people at that point. Exposing myself in that way was dangerous. I was basically silent, huddled in a corner and trying to make myself as small as possible.

The internet was my escape at that time. I have fond memories of that era of YouTube. There were those obnoxiously colorful "Back to School DIY" videos by Wengie and 5 Min. Crafts. I also got into the meme culture too, with major edgelord channels like Filthy Frank, and watching meme comps and shitposts by... I don't even remember lol. I watched Hamilton and Heathers animatics and animation memes, and I also liked this one channel called Vat19. I seem to have gotten a little off topic, but indulging in the nostalgia for the first time in a while is pretty fun.

Anyway, middle school was shit, and we moved to a new town the summer I finished 8th grade. It was hard at first, but I eventually found my group of weirdos. I felt hopeful about the future of my social life! That was near the end of 2019, though. Shit happened during the pandemic. I got severely addicted to social media during this time and my attention span shattered. I joined a fairly unstable friend group on Discord that honestly made me feel even more isolated. One long sob-story about the toxicity of the group and how that in turn made me a toxic asshole, I was kicked out of said group in 2022 and I was alone again.

School started back up and I had changed, like the pandemic had permanently damaged me beyond repair. It took away what little social skills I had. (Gee, it's almost like a traumatic global event throughout your most formative years can fuck you up!) I rejoined my IRL friends, but at this point, I'd just be sitting in a corner scrolling on instagram and ignoring the world around me. This never changed. It was like this until I graduated. And then, I had to move again. My mom and I moved back to Florida a year ago after I graduated and as much as I love the wildlife and marshes and beaches, I'm truly alone again.

I've been like this for a year. I don't have a job, I dropped the one college course I tried to take recently, and I'm just at home numbing my brain all day on the internet. I don't know how to make friends as an adult and I don't think I subconsciously even want to try. The one person I'm becoming friends with IRL is nice, but I still have this innate aversion to talking to ANYBODY. The relationships I do have are all surface-level and it's my fault because I don't even want to try. Yada yada yada, depressing bullshit, I want to get out of this hole. I know this whole post is very doomer and shit, but I REALLY want to change. I don't know how, but I have to try. If I don't find a community, IRL or online, I'm phucked. I just want to be part of a group of people I know deeply.

8-5-24

Wahoo!!!

MFW I don't take my meds for a week and start to feel like shit:

Learning how to do this all is going somewhat smoothly. I'm getting a hang of it really fast considering how I started this two days ago. It's storm season here in Florida, so I got a lot of time on my hands. I really wanna have my "cozy rainy season", but my place is a disaster. This clutter ain't very aesthetic (did I spell that right?). Maybe that's why ppl make those vision boards or do affirmations n shit. Time to affirm and envision, I guess??? Ahem...

I WILL BE COZY!!!! I WILL GET ALL THAT SHIT OFF MY FLOOR AND CLEAN MY BEDSHEETS SO I CAN FEEL COMFY IN MY OWN SPACE. RAAAHHHH I WILL DRINK TEA AND WATCH THE RAIN FALL WHILE PLAYING STARDEW AND KISS MY BEAUTIFUL CAT ON HER LITTLE FOREHEAD!!!! I WILL JOUNAL BC THE ACT OF PUTTING PEN ON PAPER IS ~~SATISFYING~~ AND IT HELPS WITH MY SHIT MEMORY. I WILL NOT BE MEAN TO MYSELF BECAUSE SELF LOATHING IS CRINGE!!!!!!!

Okay cool. I think tomorrow I wanna try and learn how to make connections on here.

8-4-24

Laundry List

Well, here's my website! I just used a nice base template I found while I figure out the ins and outs of HTML and CSS. I thought I'd share a list of what I wanna work on in here to get started:

Making the visuals of the page a little more "me" (~45%)
A blog page dedicated to my favorite horror medias
Art portfolio
Personal blog for saying random shit
An RSS feed (I see a lot of sites with it and it seems useful lol)
Joining a webring???

Tree's Grove!